Written Jokes | Skyshot Templates

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now ?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the time of the modern man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest…… like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

River Walk There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “YOU ARE on the other side.”

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida …?????”

Whilst on holiday the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

“Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“Well if you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. And for all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

A woman had been in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a light response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,”Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.” The husband was skeptical, but they assured him of the utmost privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. “What happened?” they cried. “I’m not sure, maybe she choked.” said the Husband

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
“When I married your mother son, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,” he said.

“I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn’t possibly wear them, as they were too large.”

I told her: “Of course they’re too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will!”

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father’s advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing – took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn’t possibly wear them. “Exactly” replied Jack.

“I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don’t want you to forget that”.

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

“I can’t possibly get into your knickers” said Jack.

“Exactly” replied Jill.
“And if you don’t change your attitude, you never will.”

Car Trouble! A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburettor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, and then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

Blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!” The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!”

To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,

“Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years? And I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain People, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a Twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten as the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for Sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why, for the first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and Enjoy ourselves For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to Entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

There, life has now been explained to you.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be 9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until , the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress. –

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be 32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress.
“Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

AA woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

Who’s the Scariest ?

The Bear say’s ‘When I roar the whole forest trembles’.
The Lion say’s ‘When I roar the whole jungle shakes’.
The Bird say’s ‘All I have to do is cough and the whole world sh*ts itself!!’

What’s the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: “Right You’re next, fatty”

Donna’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll send you a check.”

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Donna’s apartment the following day, he discovered biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, Spike just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled,

“Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

A man comes home from work walks into the bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

On her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming to Sydney I want to see how you live on £800 a year”

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment, they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all meet together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

“Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, “Holy Mary Mother of God”, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, ” WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle”. I I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD!

But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him, he was in a bad shape.

Rabbi Sacks looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

A British Airway’s passenger was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers:

“Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.” On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines.” he said, “I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.” To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, ” Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch.”

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

Woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So…what’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done.

Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for…a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said,

“Let me see that map again.”

Northern Territory farm hand radios back to his farm manager.

“Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the pickup. The pig’s OK but he’s stuck in the bull bar and is wriggling & squealing so much I cannot get him out”.

The manager says “OK there’s a 303 rifle behind the seat, take it out, and shoot the pig in the head & you’ll be able to remove him”.

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. “I did as you said boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can’t go on.”

“Now what’s the problem?” raged the manager..

“Well Boss, his motor bike. is stuck under the right front wheel arch

………You there boss boss?”

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counsellor turns to the husband and says,

“This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf”

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same company tag-line…

Sainsbury – making life taste better
Tesco – every little helps
Nike – Just do it.
Peugeot – The ride of your life.
Galaxy – Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC – Finger licking good.
Minstrels – melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway – Lightening the load.
Abbey National – because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola – The real thing.
Ever Ready – keep going and going.
Pringles – once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King – Home of the whopper
Goodyear – for a longer ride go wide
Muller light – so much pleasure, but where’s the pain.
Halfords – we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail – I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex – Soft, strong and very very long
Renault – size really does matter!
Ronseal – does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying – its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Heineken – reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg – probably the best condom in the world
AA – for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami – it’s a bit of an animal
Polo – the condom with the hole
Domestos – gets right under the rim (so wrong!!!)