Written Jokes – P2

John wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. John looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. “Honey, breakfast is on the oven, I left early to go shopping. Love You!”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the paper. His son is also at the table, eating. John asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, You came home around 3am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, John asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you said, “Get your hands off me, b 1tch! I’m married!”

Moral of the Story – Self-induced hangover — £50.00 Broken furniture — £1,000.00 Saying The Right Thing to your wife when you’re drunk — PRICELESS!!!

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question….

Wife: “What would you do if I died?”
Husband: “When?”
Wife: “Would you get married again?”
Husband: “Definitely not!”
Wife: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
Husband: “Of course I do.”
Wife: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
Husband: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
Wife: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: “Would you live in our house?”
Husband: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
Wife: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
Husband: “Where else would we sleep?”
Wife: “Would you let her drive my car?”
Husband: “Probably, it is almost new.”
Wife: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
Husband: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
Wife: “Would you give her my jewellery?”
Husband: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No, she’s left-handed.”
Wife: — silence —
Husband: Oh! S**t.

Dear Employees: It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however; realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 19 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) Try saying: I think you could use more training.
Instead of: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) Try saying: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead of: She’s a f____ing bit__.

3) Try saying: Perhaps I can work late.
Instead of: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) Try saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
Instead of: No f______ing way.

5) Try saying: Really?
Instead of: You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) Try saying: Perhaps you should check with…
Instead of: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) Try saying: I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead of: It’s not my f______ problem.

8) Try saying: That’s interesting.
Instead of: What the f___?

9) Try saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
Instead of: This sh__ won’t work.

10) Try saying: I’ll try to schedule that.
Instead of: Why the f __ didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) Try saying: He’s not familiar with the issues.
Instead of: He’s got his head up his a__.

15) Try saying: I don’t think you understand.
Instead of: Shove it up your a__.

16) Try saying: I love a challenge.
Instead of: This job f___ing sucks.

17) Try saying: You want me to take care of that?
Instead of: Who the f___ made you boss?

18) Try saying: He’s somewhat insensitive.
Instead of: He’s a f___ing pr_ck.

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

“Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: “I think you’ll find that’s a sheep, you idiot.”

The man says: “I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you.”

The Guys’ Rules (Official Version)

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear “the rules” From the female side. These are our rules!

• Men ARE not mind readers.
• Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
• Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
• Crying is blackmail.
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
• Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
• If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. That is why we have a GPS system.
• ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve or chartreuse is.
• If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing” We will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
• If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
• Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cricket, golf, or something sexual.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
• We understand that mind changing is something you will do, but there is no need to tell us your answer until you have already changed it 3 times.
• Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I will have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. Since Valentine’s Day is named after a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden ?”, her father asks in shock.

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone any-more.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket; instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat….she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

“What are you so happy about?” asks the barman.

“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies the ugly man. “You know, I live alone by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, all over the house.

We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, like doggies, every position imaginable!”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed the barman.

“You lucky bastard”, was she pretty?”

“Dunno… never found the head!“

A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied,” No ma’am they’re dead.”

Truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right Ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”